>The Story Behind the Pain

>

Hi there friends and fellow makeup junkies. This is kind of a long, personal post of mine.
I thought now would be a good time to introduce you to a little more about "me" as a person, and why sometimes I make frequent posts… And other times I'm kind of absent, distant, ditzy, and almost dis-attached. If you check out my profile, you'll note that I do have another blog attached to this account which is my personal one. There have been a lot of painful, and quite difficult posts I've made while trying to cope with a really bad back injury I've sustained from a car accident in 2007, and been dealing with it's serious emergence now for over a year. I haven't updated it lately, because honestly… There are many days I don't want to get up. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to move. I suffer daily with chronic pain. I try my best to keep it out of here- because I want glittery, happy, sparkles and smiles and general silliness to be shown. There's a "dark side" I attempt to keep at bay, and I'd like to think most times I'm successful with it.
Why now disclose and share this with you?
Well… First of all I'm becoming more of an "exposed artist". I never in a million years dreamed I'd make the friends I have over this past year with my "Adventures in Makeup". I thought sure, I'll most likely end up having a few people which are close friends following me… Wanting makeup tips, inspirational looks, recreated ones, and maybe even some DIY things. Asking questions. It started out that way. Then their friends joined, and by word of mouth, social networking, the wonders of google and a thousand other ways… People are finding me. Lots more people than I thought would. Honestly, I started this blog as a therapy for myself- to have something to do each day, to look forward to, whether it be creating a new eye look, making a tutorial, taking a picture. Something. My macro eye pictures are what people loved- and encouraged me to continue to "create" with, get different looks, shots, angles… Art. More and more people are finding me each day.

This has happened.

I've also discovered a wonderful world out there with other girls who share a lot of the same passions as I do. People who play with color, experiment with looks, take inspiration from anything and everything. Some of them, I've found, are doing the same thing I am- using makeup as a self-therapy to have something to look forward to each day. Dealing with chronic pain, depression, auto-immune disorders, and any number of other ailments. Then again- many of my friends here are healthy too. It's a mix of people, and I truly couldn't be more appreciative to call those of you who are reading this my friends.

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~ by Snarky Princess on April 15, 2011.

21 Responses to “>The Story Behind the Pain”

  1. >Oh god Amanda, I could barely see the last half of this through my tears … I'm so so so sorry that you've been given SO much to deal with – and that people haven't been very understanding (suck it up and deal with it?! Are you effing kidding me?!?!?!) – and I hope you'll get what you deserve, a pain-free existence, SOON. Big huge hugs for you, you're so brave you deserve a frigging medal โค

  2. >Wow- you have an amazing sense of self awareness. That is really a blessing to be able to recognize your shortcomings and endeavor to improve or accept them.I knew when I read your posts about Orglamix that you were a real honest and forthright person. It is truly a gift that you have for writing, but also to make yourself vulnerable by being brutally honest is pretty amazing.I'm a good bit older than many of the bloggers I read, but I find that the internet seems to bridge that gap when you have a common passion.I hope that things improve with your health. Don't ever give up the self introspection and honesty, we're more like you than you probably think.

  3. >I really feel for you. Have you looked into any alternative treatments? Acupuncture, reiki, etc. I've had some friends have a lot of luck with those things. I know some people think that stuff is all psychosomatic, but I've seen it help animals, who can't possibly know what's being done to them or why. I know how you feel with the 'who's handicapped' shit. I have asthma, bad enough to need a handicapped placard, especially in the winter. But I look fine, so I get a lot of shit for it. I feel like saying, "fine, I'll park in the back and walk up, then you can carry me the rest of the way after I collapse, wheezing, on the ground." As far as sucking it up goes, you're more of a 'man' than most of the people who tell you that. Incredibly brave, and also one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. You rock, and don't ever forget it.

  4. >Oh my goodness! I very recently stumbled across your Facebook page and now your blog. How brave of you to put yourself out there for all to see. And how brave to deal with all you've dealt with and still find the time and energy to do this. It is amazing how crass and unfeeling some doctors can be; I work in a pediatric office and the doctors I work with are so caring that it is so hard to see how doctors can be this way but I've heard of it time and again. How lucky that you have at least one who understands what you are going through. I also like to believe that things happen for a reason; and oftentimes we don't know what that reason is for years and years. But now you know who the true good people in your life are and you can concentrate on getting yourself well. Just know that there are people out here in internet land who are rooting for you and look forward to your posts when you are able to do them. Stay strong! Hugs! ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. >I have conditions that are degenerative, and I, myself, am only going to keep getting worse, my pills getting stronger. I know spasms all too well, I have broken bones from them. I hope the combination of treatments eases your's soon.Thank you for your honesty and your courage. Your tutorials have brought happiness and inspiration to me, you have helped me when I have asked, and I thank you. Please have a speedy recovery so you can wear cute shoes for those of us that can't! ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. >Invisible disabilities. If they don't see a wheelchair, braces/crutches, or a very obvious physical characteristic that matches up with mental retardation, you must be fine.The doctors…I wish I could say it surprises me, but being in that auto-immune boat, all it does is make me sad. Besides, why the heck would someone convince themselves that they were in severe pain if they weren't? Doesn't it make sense to just think "Oh, hey, I feel better, I'm cured now!" if it's that easy?I have no idea what it's like to live with chronic pain, so I won't pretend I know what you're going through, but do know that I wish you all the best and much luck in your recovery.

  7. >You are amazing, optimistic and beautiful! I wish I had dealt with my pain as optimistically as you do. I was in a roll over car accident so I can relate. I pray that you will be healed soon ๐Ÿ™‚ You deserve to be 100% happy!

  8. >Your post was extremely inspiring and shows how strong and beautiful person you really are :)I suffer from backpains, too, almost every day, so all though I can never fully relate, I can understand you. My backpains are from unrealistically sized breasts ever since I was thirteen. Anyway, your post gives me more strenght towards the breast reduction operation I'll have.Hopefully you'll find a way to get rid of the pains someday soon ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. >Amanda-Thank you so much for posting this amazing story of your life. I can't image the pain, sorrow you had to endure these past 4 years. I knew you were special as a "makeup warrior" but this just strengthen my respect and love for you.Knowing about this and your daily trip to help with your mom.. I don't know how you were able. Again the only word I can think of is amazing. But this also shows the love of your family.My prayers are with you that a healing will be soon and you will be able to wear those sparkly 4 inch heel and dance all night.Stay strong and know you have people from one end of this country to the other pulling for you and reaching out their arms to help lift you up. As you know, like Anne I am quite a bit older than the other ladies that read your blog or convo via FB. But I value each and everyone of you and your insight to all things.XOXO

  10. >I very much hope you get healed lady, and thank you for sharing your story. I'm very glad that firefighter was there for you.Whenever I'm being a mopey turd I also have to remind myself, there are worse off people. Like my dad even! He keeps hurting himself at work, he crushed a disk in his back trying to stop a motorcycle from falling off his towtruck, was too heavy. He had a lady back into him with her car and it affected his heart, he pulled something in his arm and it would wake him up at night and then a dog tore up some tendons in the back of his knee when he went to grab a car from a lady who said "oh the dog thinks he owns the garage" and she laughed. He can't walk around too much because his leg and back combined make him not very mobile. He has to make his physio trips weekly or he doesn't get workers comp and they make him do stupid crap like situps (before the back injury) when it was for his arm. Like situps help arms… It's weird to see your dad in pain, he's supposed to be the guy who kicks pains ass!Oh well, now I'm rambling. Dammit. So I'm sending happy sparkly, big fluffeh kitteh thoughs your way ๐Ÿ™‚ โค

  11. >I think it takes a great amount of courage to share more than the "glittery, happy, sparkles and smiles and general silliness"–more than just the mask. It makes us vulnerable, when we are well aware that people can be just as cruel as they can be kind. I admire you, Amanda, for taking that risk with those of us who have not had the privilege of knowing you so intimately.It makes you more beautiful in my eyes to see your struggles as well as your smiles and especially the strength with which you cope with the pain, even on the days when you think the pain has won (by keeping you in bed, perhaps, or driving you to take time away from RL and virtual socializing–I believe these days are our body and spirit's way of making us rest a bit more to help the healing along). We are where we are and we strive to be the best we can–no one has the right to expect more from us.You are an amazing woman, Amanda, and thank you for sharing this with us. E ola–live on, girl, live on!!

  12. >I've been a silent reader of both your blogs for some time now and I really think you are incredibly brave ๐Ÿ™‚ *hug*

  13. >My heart goes out to you!! But I must say you go girl!!! ๐Ÿ™‚ You have so much strength, even if it is not physical strength at the moment. I think you are an amazing woman and I LOVE the looks you create!!! I want to thank you for the looks you create and the reviews you do. It means so much to me. I know that I stay silent for the most part but I do read your blogs and want you to know that I'm here…even if it's just to listen!!

  14. >To All: Thank you so much for your kind words my *friends*. Each one of you inspires me, and you're typically the reason I get up and create each day! So please- no tears should be shed for me. I survived, I'm surviving- and I'll get back to my old self soon! I celebrate the fact that I'm here each day- even if I'm not feeling great. I have YOU to look forward to… Just don't take that in an odd way LOL I try my best to stay strong- I think everyone does- it's just hard doing it all the time. I think it's important for people to know it's perfectly ok to have a breakdown, feel sad and vulnerable and weak- and also to know that there are people here to help them get back up. It's people like you, and the many other friends I've met here online, that give me the motivation and courage to keep getting through each day. All I can say is Thank You, and still it doesn't feel like it totally encompasses all the appreciation I have for everyone.@Erin: Don't cry!! Please! Each day usually is a little better than the last… I just wanted to let everyone know why I'm sporadically disappear! I'd be happy with cookies though ๐Ÿ˜€ Yummmmy!@Anne: Thank you for your kind words… I'm planning on sticking around for a while! I'm also thankful you're "here" with me too. Not to worry either- I've no plans on changing my blunt and honest opinions and admitting faults and wrongdoings when I've done such. :)@Zillah: Thank you doll… I've tried many things… But because my back is still so tender and inflamed, it's hard for anything more than slight pressure to be applied. The only exception to that rule is when I'm laying on my bed on my back, or on my right side- it conforms to me so there's really not that much pressure. On my list of "to do" as far as alternative treatments, acupuncture, reiki, and resonance healing are being researched, and I very well may try.I hear you on the asthma front too- I can't go out in winter without covering my face when it's cold, otherwise it sends me right into a severe attack. I take Advair now, which has gotten me off using my nebulizer 6+ times a day- a miracle! A story for another time, but I had attacks back in high school because of renovations they were doing, and the last three were the worst… They actually lost me, and third time didn't think they'd be bringing me back. But… Someone upstairs said "Nope, not yet." So here I am ๐Ÿ™‚ Still very thankful! I hope you're able to find some help with your asthma too- it's awful to deal with. :/ One of the running jokes in my family because of my middle sister is that I'm the 8th dwarf (from Snow White) known as "Wheeze".

  15. >@Tenderhearts: Thank you so much.Needless to say, I was shocked at that doctor, who was a neurosurgeon. I was like "Hello, Hippocratic Oath anyone!?" I adore my doctor….. I'm just stumping him right now with how my back is not reacting to his many different approaches to healing. What I like most about him is that he's not about throwing pills my way- we're trying medications along with exercises, holistic cures, Eastern philosophy… It's quite refreshing to have a doctor who cares and who isn't giving up on me… Not matter *how long* it takes!!@Dawn: Oh hun… I'm so sorry to hear that about you. The degenerative portion of illness I think is the worst part- though I've never broken bones because of them… But it sure feels like I may have. You're a strong, beautiful woman- and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. It gives me so much joy that I have found a way to inspire you, and even more important- make you smile! I'm so thankful to have you as my friend ๐Ÿ™‚ And honestly… I do slip on the cute shoes from time to time… But I'm up on my bed when I do it, and I don't dare try to walk in them! Ha ha ha! Hope that made you laugh!!@Rebecca: Oh my gosh… I think that's scarier than what happened to me- but I'm so very glad you were able to survive an accident like that. I have to admit- I'm not always optimistic in dealing with my pain, but I definitely try to find at least one *good* thing each day that makes it better… It helps! We all cope different ways- just the fact that you haven't let it conquer you is speaking volumes in itself! *hugs*@Melly: Thank you… I hope your pain eases as well. I think any sort of back pain, no matter how "bad" someone has it… Is bad. Part of my problem is also similar to yours- I'm quite busty for having a 5'2" frame. Someone else can have them if they want them ha ha ha! I wish you the best of luck when you decide to have the reduction… And if you ever need someone to chat with or talk to, I'm here if needed ๐Ÿ™‚

  16. >@CherylsLoveOfLife: Thank you for your kind words, they're so very appreciated. Honestly- I don't know HOW I went back and forth with Dad to see Mom that week, but I did… I slept a lot! It was actually kind of comfortable as I made my little "fort" in the front seat… Blankets, pillows and snuggles… Meds to keep me asleep during the ride! I didn't want to stay home alone, and I didn't want my Dad to be alone driving all that way back and forth… So I just did what I needed to do. But I'm happy to report Mom's doing SO much better, and is making a quick recovery! She still has some left-side weakness, and her left hand is rather shaky… But otherwise, she's improving faster than expected :)@KittenMittens: Thank you :)It's hard seeing a parent in pain… Anytime you want to ramble, feel free! I don't mind at all… It takes my mind off my own pain. My Mom's had the same problems (just not a continuous severe spasm like I've had) since she was in her mid-20's. I sometimes think when I'm getting helped by my doctor and it hurts me, that they feel helpless because they can't do anything. It kind of goes against the "a parent will do anything they can to help their children." and all they can do is stand there and watch as my doctor tries to help.For me, it's hard watching my parents grow older- I'm used to the go-go-get-em from my Dad, and to an extent he's like that. But like our very old cat who's 19, he's been sleeping a lot more lately! He's nearing 70, but looks like he's in his early 50's.@RiverCityIzzy: Thank you my friend. Thank you so very, very much. I'll keep on keepin' on :)I'll be up and moving soon, dancin the nights away. I can't wait to show off my shoes, and hopefully I'll still have my moves! :)@Ki: Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚ I try… I do… It's just hard sometimes. But I strive to make each day "good"!! I'm also happy to make your acquaintance :)@Ashton: Thank you! I'm so glad we're friends, and I've had the opportunity to get to know you! *hugs*

  17. >@Snarky P: Thank you for your kind words, and yes, that did make me laugh! ๐Ÿ™‚

  18. >I am proud to call you my friend and am so glad we met through makeup. You are such a strong person to have to deal with this kind of pain and not give up. I know that because you're so headstrong that eventually you will get wear high heels and not have to wake up in pain. Plus, I know that sometime soon you and I can go to a Red Sox game so you can hear my commentary in person! xD AND you need to get to play in my collection eventually, because two makeup addicts at once…whew! ;)I hope you start feeling better girl. You deserve it! โค โค <3xoxoReggie

  19. >@Dawn: Great! I made a funny ;)@Reggie: I'm so happy you're my friend too!!!And I'll totally take you up on a Sox game!! HAHAHA I think we'd both be a-cussin and callin… LOL, last time I was at a game we got three Yankmees fans kicked out of Fenway! ROCK ON!! ๐Ÿ˜€

  20. >Sending you all the good, positive, healing vibes I can – but it sounds like you're doing great on your own. Maybe not healed yet, but reading through this, you obviously have a fighter's spirit, and try to see things positively, and are very self-aware. (Not to mention *beyond* nice – I would have had it out with those quack doctors.) The only downside (and I say this sarcastically, as a poke at myself) is you're setting a horrible example for lazy gits like me, who don't have chronic pain but are chronically lazy and complain a bit. Oh well, I was planning on working on it anyway. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I love your makeup looks (really been enjoying yours and Wendi's Sin/Virtue looks), and love your blog, and thank you so, so much for sharing this. The more people realize invisible disabilities/diseases exist, the more compassionate they'll be. (At least, I hope.) Warm fuzzies and positive vibes!

  21. >@kathyeffingjacobs: Love your s/n!Thank you so very much- I try to be positive as much as possible. Some days it's very difficult, but I try to at least smile each day :)And yes- even when I'm feeling well, I get the lazy bug often :p hahahaha… I think we're all guilty of it at some point or another!! LOL

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